Outside looking in...

I spend WAY too much time each day doing things for others and thinking of what else I can do for others but it always seems to bite me in the ass! Let's take the past week as an example starting with Saturday. I would love to cut down on food costs and the time spent shopping. For I really dislike shopping...granted E will tell you differently because I spend hours shopping (looking for good deals, comparing things, etc).

Saturday I decide I would can a bunch of things since my mother would be here to help. No one else seems to be interested in helping with canning. I decide to can since I just spent $400 on a month of food and things for our family (our normal monthly shopping trip). Things I do not want to go to waste and I know that we can not get through everything that is fresh in time so I need to can or do something else to save it. I take all the blueberries, 1/2 strawberries and make jam with them. When I'm done I make waffles with the leftover stuff from the jam. While I'm doing all of this E mentions we need to do the yard.

When I'm done canning and making waffles I head out front and start cutting the hedges. I do this for a few hours getting most of the bushes in the front yard all nicely cut. When I'm almost done J's friend shows up and I stop to talk to the mom for awhile. When she leaves I set to work trying to entertain the youngest and keep him out of the way of the older boys. Then I realized that we are going to have turkey burgers without bread or buns. I decide to make freezer biscuits as buns and freeze up the rest of them. This works great and we have buns. I make dinner and serve it and a few hours later I'm in bed.

Sunday I don't remember much of....most of it was spent trying not to worry about J since he had his first sleep over at a friends the night before and I didn't really get any sleep. I also started baked beans for canning the next day.

Monday I get up and do dishes and hang out with the kids. We run over to Wal-Mart to get a few more canning jars and a few other things we needed. When we get back to the house I make lunch for the boys (pizza) and start canning the baked beans. When I'm about done with the beans I realized that I have potatoes that I need to do something with too. I call the boys in and have them peel all the potatoes. I cut them up, blanch them and can them. When we are done we play and a little later dad comes home. I start soups for the next day canning and dinner.

Tuesday I spend playing with the kids and getting things ready for canning. Right before I'm about to start canning I take the kids outside for tag. We love to play this game and it normally ends up mom chasing the kids for about an hour. When we are done I suggest putting up the net to which the kids say "cool". Then I realize the grass has to be mowed before the net goes up or it will be hard to play. I get out the lawnmower and mow the grass instead of asking E to do it (he works from home on Tuesdays and Thursdays). E comes out 1/4 of the way into it and when starts weed eating. I finish up and come in the house to start the canning stuff. The kids never mention the net. I can the first set and head back outside with the family. We hang out then I go do the second round and then I cook dinner.

Every time I can E makes little remarks, I didn't even know how to explain them because they sound harmless but they make me feel like I'm wasting my time. Here I am canning for our family; something I don't really like to do but I don't hate it either and I feel I'm being made fun of by them (or so it feels to me). Then I do the yard work and hear little comments that make me feel bad too. Things like "oh, look she is doing something in the yard"...in case you don't already know I really don't like yard work especial in the direct sun light; I can name at least 100 things I would rather do than yard work (including poopy diapers). I was doing it so no one else would have to....but instead of a thank you or nice job I hear the little comments.

At this point in my life I'm not even sure if people are saying little comments or if they are in my head. It wouldn't be surprising to find out they are in my head, for growing up I was told enough nasty things to continue my thinking down those paths. The thing that kills me the most is I have been working my ass off doing things I don't really care for hoping to make the others in my family happy with me and then I read that post of E's today and I feel I do everything in vain!

It sounds so clear to me how I’m not the woman he wants but that he keeps hoping I will be. I don't know how to be and I don't know how to be more loving to a person that continually pushes me away. That is kinda funny when I re-read it since I'm often told how I push him away. The sad thing is we seem to have the same issue and no way to fix it.

I want more of his time to just hang out and talk and be together. He says he wants the same thing. Yet this is what it looks like at my house at night...we are all in the living room watching TV. The kids and I on the couch and E in the chair. Sometimes it is the kids on the couch and E in one chair and me in the other chair. We have dinner and we decide to eat in the living room without the TV on. Boys and I around the coffee table and E in his chair. It would be so nice if we all sat on the couch together.

We both want more interaction like, hugs, holding hands, kisses, etc. Yet when I hug him or try to hold him he pulls away from me. I'm told I do the same thing to him. How is it we want the same things, from the same people, yet we can't seem to find the level ground? How do people end up here? We tried hard not to come to this; is it something we all face in relationships? Is there a way to what we want? Is counseling the only way?

I really want my happy life back…it has been missing for a few years now…if you happen to see it…tell it to come home! For I feel like I'm on the outside looking in and I would like to be back inside!